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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm