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The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
Aren`t they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?
I think Iām allergic to mornings.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.