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If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles