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you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.