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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
Vodka is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
Theirye’re, problem solved.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M