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The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"... B!tches love being called beautiful.
I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!