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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
My problem is that all food is comfort food
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.