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Chuck-E-Cheese, because it`s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling..
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
All milk is breast milk.
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
No, PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on facebook.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?