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Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
Iām considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
We all make mistakes .... I just do it better than everyone else.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.