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I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.