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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
If anyone could do it, it wouldn`t be called PROcrastination.
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it`s ok to bite an opponent.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.