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People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
You should have been a chicken and just went home.
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.