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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
I bet every guy would be faithful if God took an inch off his d!ck every time he cheated...
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.