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Worry: a waste of imagination.
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
Facebook is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes