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With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
There`s no WE in pizza.
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"
Why does the person who snores always fall asleep first?
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"