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I`m still kinda pissed that they never did tell us how to get to sesame street
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
Eww!!! Beer does NOT taste good on Cocoa Puffs! ..I`m switching back to my Fruit Loops! ;)
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.