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Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
If you are naughty go to your room, if you wanna be naughty go to mine :)
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun...
"Dean, what are you doing this weekend?"
"That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should."
"But what are you doing?"
"What I`m g
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
I`m saving all my good posts for when I can think of some.
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.