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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
"I know im the best driver on the road" thinks every guy.
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem