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Don`t talk to me about disappointment. I had lots of adults tell me they were gonna "fix my little red wagon" yet here it sits with a broken wheel still
I hit a new low today and used a cheat code on Wii Fit
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
We get it poets: things are like other things
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
If it`s alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.