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If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
Settle down homemade play dough parents.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.