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I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.