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I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!
Orion`s Belt is a huge waist of space.
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.