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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.