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My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
What if all this time it`s been Chicken that taste like Frog legs????
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
I was born to be happy… not normal.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "