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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
Don`t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex`s name tattooed.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
I have nothing to update. I`m just making it look like I`m doing something at a party so people won`t talk to me.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!