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I`m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought "Hogwarts" was an STD
Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
Girls just wanna have funds.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
There`s no WE in pizza.