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I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
Huge spoiler here ... Did you know Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
I’m too young to be too old for everything.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
I think...therefore, I am.....single
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
If its true we`re here to help others, then what exaclty are the others here for?
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.