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I like the part of the day when food happens.
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.