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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.