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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!