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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...