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Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
I hate when the remote is way over there
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!