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I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
I`d say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.