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Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
I hide my vodka in orange juice
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.