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You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
I drink to make other people interesting.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
Bitch I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
OMG guys!! im so happy!! the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself!!
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss