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Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
I`ve given up on giving up.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.