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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
The only dates I get are updates.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
if your looking for love sorry to disappoint you im already in a relationship with fun and freedom. :-)
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"