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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
Trust me, I am a liar.
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.