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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Two Best Advices For Safe Life : 1. Always Speak The Truth, No Matter How Bitter Harsh It Is ... 2. Run Immediately After Saying It..
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.