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When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.