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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught the fish yet.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.