Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
It`s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.