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Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That`s like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.