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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl`s purse is when it doesn`t match what I`m wearing.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
Monday?! But, I wasnt even finished with Saturday yet.