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My innocent look never works in the nude.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"