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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...