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I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." - Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.