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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.