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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
You seem to love cocktails... or part of it.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
´s status message is better than yours
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."