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I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
I love long legs.... Long sexy legs.....But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
The Easter Bunny doesn`t always drink, but when he does I bet it`s hopscotch.
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.