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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
I`d like to test the theory that money can`t buy you happiness.
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.
Facebook is great, but I still miss the good old days of writing down my random thoughts and sliding them into stranger`s pockets.