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I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
The secret to success is in my bra.
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They`re called Nuns `n` Moses.
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.