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If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
Girls here`s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex - 1: He does
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
Thanks for accepting my friend request on Facebook, even though is was solely so I could gain full access to your profile and judge your life choices.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
If you`re crazy and you know it shake your meds...
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...