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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
Living alone is pretty cool, I don`t even know if my bathroom door closes