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Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.