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Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.