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To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
I gave up my Ego, because I am so much better than that..................
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
every woman iz beautuful n her unique way, smtimz it needs sm amount of alcohol to see with
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late