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Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.
Ways to Win my Heart: Buy me Beer Bring me Beer Be Beer.