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I`m sorry I slapped you. It`s just you seemed like you weren`t going to stop talking and I panicked.
Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
What about a To-Don`t List?
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.