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Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
Despite being a pain in the a$$, you have to admit I still bring a lot to the table.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as the Kraft Singles?
HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn`t even value half of all his assets.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.