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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, Iām forty. I have one.
I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
in 2014 there were times when I annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you and bugged the hell out of you. Today i wanna let you know that i planned to continue with it this year :-)
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
I see your arguement contains a lot of swear words, you must really know what you`re talking about
Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"