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I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll