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I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”