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Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what Iām talking about.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
The Patriots defensive coverage was almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.