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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
I still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
U still drunk from last night or did u get a new buzz going this morning.
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`