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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.