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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
Nothing makes me want to leave a website more than a pop-up window saying, “Are you sure you want to leave this page?”
is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on one
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.