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Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
I wouldn`t say I "missed" your call.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.