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I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell