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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.