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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.