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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.