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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.