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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don`t find him. Again.
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
Ordering a water with lemon says āIām too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.ā
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
Iām in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.