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If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. Except for bodily functions...Hopefully you can control THEM. :/
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
I hate when I accidentally eat everything in sight.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.