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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
A leaf blower, but for people.
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
How Big is Infinity?