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Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.