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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
Accidentally used AOL.com, I betting the employees there are celebrating and think they have a sure future.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!